The value of being a defect

What are values?

There’s a deep and meaningful questions.

We value so little that I think we forget what the word means at times. Do I value my life? Do i take it for granted. I eat crap food, don’t do much exercise, and really can’t be bothered to learn new things any more, my brain is tired. I’m alive and that is enough for me. Well it was up until a couple of months ago. Then wham, along came a doctor who went, “no, not doing that, you are going to have a heart attack if I do that, go away and get better.” So off I went to my quack and said, “ere guv, this bloke that needs to cut me open and take a bit out of me that shouldn’t be there, won’t do it, because he says me heart won’t take it.” And my doc says, “go away and take two of these a day and you’ll be right.” So I did, and I still do, and I am, right that this. Well sort of. I still don’t value my life. I don’t do half the exercise I think I should do, even though I do twice as much as most people I know, and although I’ve lost a few lbs, and I’m on a diet, I’m still eating crap every now and then.
So what do I value and how am I supposed to know what my values are. Ok I know I value honesty, love and the likes, we all value that type of thing. It’s the value you put on things money can’t buy, peace of mind, and safety. But if I was to ask myself what three things I would keep in my life what would I say.

I went on the rampage, looking for the answer on Google search. There were lists of values, credibility, joy, fun, honesty, trust, and so on. One list had over a 100 different values for you to choose from, and finally I discovered more than a dozen different ways of deciding what my values are. It took a magazine article to give me the prompt as to how to find out what I truly value in life and the answer was so simple I could have kicked myself.

Before I tell you about how, let me tell you why I want to know what I value in life. I have been told I have a mental health “defect” and that because of this I can’t do the job I love doing. That’s right folks, not a problem, a disorder or a mental condition, a defect. I am defective. I was shocked and after I had done the Grrrrr, I’m doing them for discrimination, going to rip open their heads with a letter opener and scoop out their brains with a ice cream scoop, I cried, then cried some more, then some more, then had my numbness period, (during which I watched copious episodes of Angel) and finally the ok it’s happened what can I do next?

Out with the magazines and the Google to search for my ideal vocation. Ideally I’d like to be an explorer and travel around the World writing about the interesting undiscovered mystical ruins that haven’t been explored yet. In reality, my heart and my blipping lump won’t let me go anywhere.

Then there it was staring at me, the question I’d never really asked myself

The article read like a breath of fresh air and slapped me with the formula.

“You stupid woman, yes you value what most people value, honestly, love and safety, but what makes you go, that’s what I want to feel like all the time. What do you value in your life.”

Well knock me down with a bulldozer, a feather just wouldn’t cut it, I don’t do subtly, it would have to be a heavy object that takes me off my feet to have an impact. Not that I’m naïve but I am a tad blind at times to celestial signs.

I went through the list of 100 in my head, I started to anyway and got to about 6, my memory isn’t that good, but do you know something, things like honesty and love aren’t that important to me. Not on the whole. Don’t step back in horror. If you’re an honest person, I’ll know and I appreciate it, and if you’re dishonest I’ll walk away. It isn’t going to ruin my life leave you behind if you’re a liar, cheat or scoundrel. It neither makes me happy or unhappy. Angry if you lie to me or try to cheat me, but I can live without you and move on.

What I can’t live without are the things that make me happy.

I can’t live without creativity, being able to write this twaddle, paint silly pictures, crochet scarves and blankets, bake cakes, and make pottery and things. I value art and colours and if those things are taken from me, or I am stopped from creating it would be devastating, I value creativity.

I can’t live and not care. I am that woman that can walk down the street and name those elderly that live on their own, I can help with paperwork when the powers that be try to bamboozle you with bureaucracy. I am the one that will take your cat to the vet, sit up and talk to you all night in grief, and talk you through a doldrums. I’m not boasting, I’m stating a fact. I’m known for it. I care. If I had no one to care for I don’t think my life would be worthwhile. My caring is a value I treasure. I am privileged to be able to help other people and I never want that to stop.

My sense of humour is an odd value to have but it’s mine. I make people smile, and laugh, cringe with embarrassment, but still smile. I can’t stand miserable. Even at my lowest in my less flattering states of bipolar, I still like to make people smile.

Three values. My values. Creativity, Care, and Humour. So with that in mind what is my next step, what job, career, vocation should I pursue. I know, a circus clown, a comedy sketch writer, a DWP employee, no sorry that one was unkind to the staff at the DWP.

I went back when I had discovered this vital information and looked into the article again. Dumb bint that I am, it wanted me to look at what I valued about the job I have, or the jobs I have had in the past.

Going home, going on holiday, and receiving my wages.

It seems that I was right in the first place, I should be an explore that works in exotic far off lands, or that I’ve never had a job I valued.

Oh well back to the drawing board. At least I know what makes me really tick, it’s a start.

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