The Gnat Trap

Age changes us, our perspectives, our attitudes our shapes. For women you can add having babies and mentalpausy. Sometimes you go to the wardrobe, your knicker draw or the coat rack and find that your clothes have suddenly changed shape as well. Trust me, my stomach hasn’t shrunk that much.

I bought a packet of knickers about a week ago. You know the ones we women have for those, “just another day”. Just another day knickers are the ones you don’t think about. It’s just another day in your life and what you wear really doesn’t matter.

I’ve read the guru’s and the one thing they all tell you if you work from home is, “Dress as though you are going to the office.” That may mean that if I ever get a real job again a lot of the time I will be in pink check, flowery, polka dot nightshirts, I kid you not. Or as I am today in grey palazzo PJ bottoms and an old rather posh lace t-shirt. A note about the palazzo’s, I have never worn them in bed. They must have been designed by a man, you try going to sleep and having wide legged PJ’s creep up your back. Not good!

I digress. Knickers. I bought the same one’s from the same supermarket in the same size as always. £4 for 5 pairs. How could I not at that price? I threw out all the old ones, I was determined to have clean and untatty knickers. That left me with the new pack of 5, my “I have to leave the house and mum told me to make sure I always had clean knickers on” knickers, and the couple of pairs of knickers that did match that bra I threw out when my breast changed size but my arse, sorry bottom, didn’t. Having avoided the lure of the wash basket because I hate the tumble drier and it’s been raining for a week and a half, I only had the 5 new pairs. Getting up Wednesday I threw on a fresh pair of panties. Don’t you just love that line. Prizes for those that know where it’s from.

I wore them under jeans. I know I need a belt, I have a strange shape. I even buy those “jeans for shape”, you know the ones that curve in at the top to fit around the waist rather than leaving a gnat trp.

I feel I’m having to do a lot of explaining today. Sorry if it’s getting a bit tedious, but I am in rant mode. I had a rant yesterday morning. Someone put up a post on FB regarding the modern antipathy to DIY. The flourishing sites like “Find a builder” or “Yell.com” a testimony to the fact that many rely on tradesmen today rather than having a go at fixing things themselves. I have Mark, I know all about those sites!

Interlude: Gnat trap. It’s that gap that every woman has at the back of their jeans, the reason why we need more women in the designing industry. I mean have you seen the latest fashion shows, I won’t go into a rant about men walking around in a net stolen from a fishing trawler. No, the gnat trap is there for no obviously reason. It also has a handle on it to add insult to injury, in the disguise of a belt loop. It’s that part of your jeans that every man on this Earth has learnt to grab by the handle and yank you violently backwards, whilst smiling inanely and thinking that you think it’s a cute thing to do. Needless to say, Mark doesn’t do it anymore. His face smarted for days as I turned and slapped out instinctively. I did profess my deepest regret for doing so, as I explained that I thought I was being attacked. Well he believed me, and it worked.

No, the gnat trap has no other purpose in life but to allow gnats in. I walk and there is no shame and I don’t think it will come as any surprise to anyone when I say I sometimes get a little bit sweaty. Gnats love that juicy sweet sweaty smell, and jeans are designed with the perfect gap for them to crawl in to. That’s why women need a good sturdy pair of knickers underneath, for sealing the vital bits away.

Wednesday was a walking day, so off I marched. A 3 ½ mile stomp through the woods, suitably attired in scruffs I got about, I don’t know, about an 1/8 of a mile and the slide began. At first it was the slipping waist band, slowly it became obvious that the top of the knickers were getting lazy and falling down on the job. I gave up on the hitch and hop movement we women have perfected when rearranging our underwear around the half mile mark and just gave into the inevitable. It reminded me of the day I lost my knickers in the road, but that’s another story.

Have you ever seen the underwear dance? Watch the couple that don’t think they are being observed. He, as do all men, do the bend and pull and women do the hitch and hop. If you are not sure what I mean the next time you are in a queue, watch. It’s a merry dance and can be really amusing.

Thursday was a need to be aware day and I picked up the second pair of new knickers. This time when they went on I noticed the looseness of the waist band and taking out the others I noticed they all had that lapidazicall limp band. Let me tell you they all went straight in the bin.

“I need a pair of knickers.”

Mark who was doing his, I’m contemplating moving stance. Everything has to be contemplated in the morning, Mark doesn’t do mornings.

“What?”

“Pants, I want to borrow a pair of pants.”

“Ergh, what…”

“Just throw me a pair of your pants will you.”

Now it has to be said that men are not all James Bonds, they can’t all wear tiny whinnies’ and get away with it, Mark can. (Big thankful smile on face) Where was I? yes, Mark has tiny whinnies and I fit into them. The only part I can’t fill is the pouch.

Oh my God……comfortable. They have a waist band, a proper waist band, they are thicker cotton, real cotton, they sit on the hips, the natural hip, and, and this was the biggest bonus, they have elasticated legs cuffs. Not big ones but just secure enough to stay firmly but comfortably in place. I buy them from the same supermarket and men’s and women’s, are supposed to have the same cotton content and there isn’t much difference in price.

I spent the entire day without a single hop and hitch. It was bliss. The only thing that was a bit strange was the seam up the front.

I’ve now replenished my knicker draw, I was a bit more circumspect about my choices. I’ve gone for the more expensive….

Hang on, that’s private. All I’m going to say is, Sportswear, black.

I haven’t it seems changed shape, my “I have to leave the house and mum told me to make sure I always had clean knickers on” knickers still fit. The new sports knickers are the same size, it’s just my “just another day” knickers are a bit posher. Maybe I’m just to old to be hopping around pulling my knickers up, you never know I might even be getting a bit more refined in my…….. nar, not a hope, where’s my Batman T-shirt.

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