Survival

It has come to my attention that the eco-warriors have ruined my chances of surviving the apocalypse. (And I am so grateful that inside of this computer is a spelling Imp, I can’t even say acropylips let alone spell it) I am never going to survive without plastic bags.

My shopping was delivered yesterday and as the man from the van put the shopping on my table, (he’s good like that) it became apparent to me that my courgettes were rolling free.

“No bag?” I enquired.

“No, not allowed to now because of that Greta girl.”

I’m pleased that the work of one young girl is changing the World for the better, but it has now come to the point whereby I have to change my entire survival tactics. You see I know for a fact that I will be one of those that will still be hanging around when the rest of the World has gone to pot. How do I know? Statistics.

Theory of Jenny’s Survival.

1. There is always a middle-aged woman that survives in the movies, who is handy with a shot gun. That would be me.

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2. There is always a woman in the movies that is frantically looking for a lost child. Mandy lived 180 odd miles away, I’d go looking for her.

3. I have survived all the evil ill devised Gremil plans that the World has thrown at me. I don’t think a couple of nuclear bombs are going to stop me, and as for Zombies, they walk far too slow to catch me.
(Gremil: The demons sent to cause trouble in my life)

I will survive, ooo…. I feel a song coming on.

My survival however depends on the production of plastic bags. When all else fails the mass produced nondegradable item will still be there. For a start they make brilliant mittens. Let me explain. I have a dog. She poos, I pick it up with poo bags. Many years ago, on a cold morning whilst preparing to pick up, I put my hand in the poo bag and as my dog changed her mind I walked around with a poo bag mitt. My fingers had never been so warm, and they allow for complete movement. I now line my pockets with poo bags to put my hands in. The theory expanded, I can use carrier bags with precisely cut holes for undergarments to keep me warm in the nuclear winter. I can use plaited bags to make blankets, and ladders that are light and portable rolled up in a carrier bag, to climb out of buildings.

There’s a point, something I’ve never understood, why do people always go up when being chased by Zombies, thus always being stuck on roofs?

In short, the plastic bag was to be my survival kit. The World is going to be saved, but alas I will have to devise another survival plan. So, what can I use instead. Paper, of course why didn’t I think of that. Let’s hope it doesn’t rain!

I found out the other week that one of the supermarkets was selling paper carriers at 20p. Some Supermarkets have hiked prices up to as much as 30p for plastic ones and there is a threat to put them up even higher. It’s not an ecowhatzit thing, it’s a Supermarket marketing ploy. The big boys love our Greta. They don’t have to pay any extra for the bags and production is still going on. They give two thirds of the money from the sale of the bags to charities which is a good thing, but not a penny goes to the Government, in fact the companies gain. There is this thing called tax relief. If a company gives to charity the money it donates from profits is not taxed. It’s complicated, don’t even try to work that one out. However, the statistics show that the average adult is now only buying 25 carrier bags a year compared to the original figure of 140. Now here comes the maths bit. I am now 5.6 times less likely to survive after the apocalypse due to the lack of carrier bags and the increased chance of dying from hypothermia due to exposure of the nuclear cold winds because I can’t find any.

My point is this. It’s ok when someone wants to change the World and yes it does benefit everyone and our future generations, but priorities please. If we don’t stop fighting and we do end up with a nuclear war, just think of all those poor souls, me included who will die due to freezing fingers.

“Woolly jumpers” I hear you remark. Please I live in England not Australia, where am I going to find a Kangaroo to cross with a sheep?

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