Time that you set aside every day to sit and reflect. Well that’s the first three hours over and done with. What do I need to reflect on? The fresh crusty bread I made yesterday and the wild garlic rolls that I scoffed, don’t even mention the cinnamon buns that got munched. My daily diet plan? The housework I seem to have plenty of time to do, but somehow just don’t get time to get around to.
Added worries at this time along with my own anxiety are the anxieties that others need help coming to terms with and the people that I’m shopping for.
Anxiety is real and there are so many out there that have never had to cope with it in the way they are experiencing it now. My heart breaks for them, it really does, I know that they are totally alone in their feelings and they cannot express just how they feel in a way that anyone else can truly understand. I know because I’ve been there and will never tell anyone, “I understand.”
I’m a warrior, I’ll fight anyone, even that bugger inside my head that lies to me all the time. But yesterday he got the better of me and tied me up in knots. It was like being a skinny Sumo wrestler being thrown around the room by the Hulk. My anxiety gripped me by the hair and started shouting at me in a very loud voice.
I had a long walk over the fields, I live with an open field and farm land two streets away and at 7am in the morning I never meet a soul. Especially on a Sunday. I called my brother, a check in just to see how he is.
“I should hope so,” I replied. He’s 69 and should be tucked up in the house safe and sound. Mum is 90 in a couple of weeks’ and he sees to her every day.
“I’m in here all alone,” he stated.
“In where Alan?”
I really didn’t need to ask, did I? I really should have known shouldn’t I.
“I’m in the middle of a field.”
“NO I’m playing.”
“Playing at tractors,” I added.
“Yep.” He said, I could see the smile.
Alan went on to tell me that he, along with our cousin were still in the fields ploughing, they were still growing and they weren’t going to be stopped doing so. I didn’t want to ask if my nephew would be out with him and then I had this vision of my ninety year old mother with dementia out on a tractor helping at the farm. I didn’t know whether to laugh or scream.
“We’re in lockdown.” I told him, “but I’m out walking the dog at the minute. It’s terrible up here, people are still not staying indoors and there are more people out during the day than I’ve ever seen before.” I irony wasn’t lost me!
“Not seen a soul,” he said, “bloody marvellous.”
I know that they can go for weeks without having to leave the area and I know that incomers stand out like a sore thumb. As long as he sticks to the farm and the village and no one new turns up, by now anyone that did have the CV should be clear and my family are all safe. Putting the phone down my anxiety lessened and I felt a tad easier.
My daughter is a different case all together, she is a wild child, yep Mandy is one of those people that should have been lost in a forest and brought up by wild animals from the age of two. God knows I did my best, but I feel that a pack of She wolves may have stood a better chance of making Mandy into a calm cool and collected individual. As it stands Mandy is being driven insane by isolation.
We video call each other now and as she called me yesterday I quite expected to find her flat overgrown with vines, Mandy in a Poison Ivy Cosplay Costume and her hanging from the ceiling. As it was she was calm and I was the one having the palpitations. But like every good mother, I tried my best to be cheerful and left her to talk to Mark. Well at least she has this situation under control. Mandy has spent the time making herself a coat, exercising and losing weight whilst getting fit and feeding the neighbours with one of her amazing stews. I don’t know whether to feel really good because she takes after me, or really poo because I haven’t done anything quite as cool as my daughter nor my brother. Even Mark is working his butt off.
Interlude: Mark has stolen my office and I really resent the fact that he has taken his chocolate that Mandy sent to him in there and I felt obliged to share mine with him the other night.
I finished the Sunday feeling worse than ever and so this morning I took some time to reflect. It’s not all bad. I have lovely countryside around me, people who are helpful, I’ve shared what I have and shopped for those that can’t get out, but the one thing that makes all of this so much easier for me than for everyone else is that I understand Anxiety. I have this morning taken time to reflect on yesterdays melt down. You know its Ok not to be Ok and I am feeling so much better today.